Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
