Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
