This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
