there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
