Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
