I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
