u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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