I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
