I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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