Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
