recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
