Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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