Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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