my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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