Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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