so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
