burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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