alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
