I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
