you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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