I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
