i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
