I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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