I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
