I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
