We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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