Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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