i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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