The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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