Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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