I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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