I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize