update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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