Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
