Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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