we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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