You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize