Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
