nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
