My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's never too late to be topless.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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