i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
