i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
