last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just pee around me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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