is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
