if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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