When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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