Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
