I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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