I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
