Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
