I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
