need another drink. this is the easiest way
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize