when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize