He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
