The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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