Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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