it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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