my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
