she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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