I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize